PJ@50% of capacity

24th February 2010, Kolkata

Warning: Long Post, Heavy Images, Irrelevant Content, Incomprehensible humor, Potential for Insanity after reading

It has been a long time since I operated at the level of pj’s I am capable of…..a Really Really long time. It is rare that I get to talk to someone with whom I can try and reach my potential. Usually it is with a fellow pj maker.

Today I bid adieu to my pj’s.

As an obituary………a compilation of some of my best (worst?) pj’s, most made @ at least 50% of my peak potential. A few made at peak potential. Obviously they are not word to word copy of what I said or did at that time. Memories are a fickle thing after all.

You have been warned.

PJ One (first, pratham, awwal, Chatur Ramalingam)

Honorary mention: Raghav Madan akka Maddy – the only person at IIML who made me increase my potency of pj’s just to match his.
Instigating Event: My status message ( Talk to the hand, 'cos the face ain't listening)

R: tu apne face se sunta hai??
yaar mujhe bhi sikha, main to ears se sunta hu

me: yo
face main pores hain
woh waves sense karte hain
like snake

R: matlab tu porus hai?
ooooohhh, main to alexander hu
nice to meet you

me: nahin main porus nahin hun
chanakya hun
aur tu chandragupt

R: arre ye baat to gupt thi
aapko kaise pata?

me: bobby deol ne batayi

R: par maine to usse maarne ke liye kajol ko bheja tha
wo manisha ke boobs dekh ke distract ho gayi hogi

me: nahin
use sharukh khan ne haar ke jeet liya tha

R: oooohhh
shit
mera world domination ka plan bekaar ho gaya
:(

me: nahin be
tumhari dunuyan naari hai na..
tumne halwe ke seedha beech main haath maar diya tha
isliye ungliyan jal gayi thi
agli baar kiss se shuru karna
phir s** karne ki koshish karna, ungliyan bhi bach jayengi
aur tumhara world domination bhi ho jayega
just keeps some whips and cuffs handy

R: nahi, agli baar american pie
me: indian kyun nahin be
indian ladkiyan itni *censored* hoti hain

R: yaar india mein sab log pie pie ke mohtaaj hote hain

me: koi na
hum tumhe pi pi de denge
bas tum use specify kar do ki yeh pi hai kitna
suna hai ki 3.14 ke aas paas hota hai

R: round off kar dena

me: haan 3.4

Then we had to break off our mental (literally) battle to go for the classes. Damn IIM.

Please Note: Content is modified minorly to improve comprehension for the lesser mortals

PJ too err…….two

Scenario: Me sitting calmly in the Metallurgy Lab after telling a small insignificant "reply PJ" to Adi while he was conversing with me. Adi got riled up and asked me to tell a pj. I replied to him that I make them on the go during conversations. I do not tell memorized pj’s.
Instigating Event: Adi getting riled up and challenging me

In response I calmly took a paper and wrote PJ on it and then…

I think I broke him for a minute or two as he did not respond, just stared blankly at me after I had “hit” him with my pj. Then he swallowed, turned away and did not meet my eyes for the entire period. I think he kept on chanting something about “galti” and “dobara nahin” but I might have been mistaken.

PJ three (teen, tritiya, Bandar, idiots)

Honorary mention: Bhanu Pratap Singh Chauhan (BPSC), only person at DCE I knew who matched my level of PJ’s
Instigating Event: PJ competition at DCE

BTW: I sent only the written entry, didn’t think an in person appearance would be wise after sending the written entry.
BBTW: Sent in two answers for the same question as I did not know which one was better.

Written entry question 2: Sambha Gabbar se 15 feet upar patthar pe kyun baithta tha?

Answer 1: Gabbar likes south Indian dishes very much. Especially Vada. Hence to avoid the fate of being a dish in the menu served to gabbar like sambha(r) vada or sambha(r) dosa, sambha remained away from gabbar by staying 15 feet above him.

Answer 2: Gabbar was a sociopath (one step worse than psychopath). Even his own minions were afraid of him. Hence the minions tried hard to stay away from gabbar to avoid becoming minion-meat.

Sambha was the most intelligent of the lot. He accomplished this in the most innovative fashion. He observed gabbars movement’s and determined his usual walk pattern when in mood of killing. Which is Illustrated below.

So as to remain within gabbars sight and yet out of sight of his gun sambha chose a rock from which gabbar could only hear him and see him, yet never being able to shoot him. Also, this allowed him to remain in good graces of gabbar as he could answer his questions anytime that too while remaining in his line of sight while remaining out of his line of shootings sight.

He did this by using his advanced knowledge, which is now lost in time and is now known only as the legend of trigonometry. Shown below is the rare document detailing the awesome final answer as thought of by sambha:

He determined the farthest point of gabbars usual walking pattern and determined the height at which gabbar will be able to see him but not shoot him. This involved advanced measurements using an inchi-tape and the lost art of trigonometry.

In the final calculations height of the rock was determined to be 15 feet, which is the reason why sambha used to sit 15 feet above gabbar on a rock.

PJ four (chaar, do jama do, do duni, one two ka)

Honorary Mention: KK aka Krishna Kant Gaur aka Sabu (As tall with greater appetite), He showed the self restraint necessary to not kill me on the spot. For that I am grateful.
Scenario: While randomly walking in the general direction of our guesthouse at jhanjhra from Durgapur. After a long string of harmless pj’s which frustrated KK with their potency I promised not to speak for rest of the journey in the interest of self preservation. Of course I warned him silence does not mean I will stop making pj’s. Then he made A Mistake..

A BIG mistake

A big F***ING Mistake

He scoffed at my claim…..

Instigating Event: The scorn

We were walking away after I took the pledge. All the while I was trying to make ridiculous miming gestures and KK was trying to ignore me (as usual). After a while when KK failed to respond to my silly miming gestures (which were getting kinda boring) I stopped making them. When I remained quiet for an extended period of time, KK took a breath of relief and let his guard down.
Then suddenly KK exclaimed

"Kan-Khujura"

Obviously I misunderstood him as saying “kaan khuja zara” and scratched him behind his ears.
All the while remaining silent of course and hence keeping my pledge.

After this incident KK requested(demanded) me to speak normally and refrain from pj’s, which I did in the interest of the possibility of having future generation of kids.

Pj Five (Paanch, do aur do, Draupadi ke shareholder kitne?)

Honorary Mention: Vaibhav Anand aka Mr Lobster, one of the most sarcastic, coolest, & awesomest person I have had the honour of meeting.
Unfortunately this is not a “pj” but a joke about harkats of a “pa” (Pagal Aadmi)
Scenario: Walking near IIT Bombay with the reliance IIML summer intern gang.
Instigating event: Me losing my reasoning and remembrance capabilities

Vaibhav’s phone’s battery was down so he asked for my phone. Some while after he returned it back he innocently inquired whether I have received any messages or calls. I said no and blissfully erased the entire conversation from my mind.

After about an hour I received a cheesy message. I did not recognize the number. Using my awesome reasoning and remembrance capabilities I decided then and there that someone is playing a prank on me.
Hence, instead of my usual polite reply of “who is this”, I decide to send the following sms:

“who the f*** in the f***ing name of f***ing god is this”

Just after sending the sms it was innocently inquired by janta around me: “didn’t vaibhav ask you whether you had received any messages or calls”

HOLY M*****F***ING SHIT

What the hell have I done. Just then I received a scathing, blistering, scorching and mind numbing sms reply from the concerned number. I did what any reasonable, rational, patient, and cool headed person would do.

I started running around like a headless chicken looking for vaibhav (who was buying something inside some shop) and after finding him start to apologize to him so much that he is unable to understand. Vaibhav being the pillar of unshakable calm he is asked me to chill and tried to call the concerned person from my phone. It was disconnected on the first ring.

Vaibhav still said no tension and went into a PCO booth to call and explain the hara kiri I had committed. When he emerged victorious 45 minutes later he was still chill and asked me to calm down.

I still have guilty feelings about this incident till date.

Meanwhile this incident did get me a comment from shri shri jahaji kaptaan - “Jaggu rocks” - said with a twinkle in eye and double thumbs up. Especially appropriate for specially F***ed up situations.

So I am done with pj@50% capacity or any capacity for that matter. RIP my pj’s. It’s time to move on…

PS: As regards the level of different pj’s used above, following information must be kept in mind: Pj = Pagal Joke > Pj = Pathetic joke > Pj =Poor Joke. Most jokes above are of Pagal Joke level.